Meat Runoff
Good morning friends of meat! It is I, your boss (and meat overlord), Chris Cutlets welcoming you to another glorious working week here at The Dubious Meat Company. I am a generous and handsome boss who has taken precious time out of his important business doings to draft an email newsletter to try and make you feel like a part of this meaty workforce family. Apparently worker drone performance and efficiency increases exponentially the more appreciated you feel by your overlords. So you should know that I appreciate each and everyone one of you, that is until you outlive your usefulness to me and you are disposed of in the grinder room accordingly. So in many ways we are just like a real family.
So first order of business is to discuss the levels of meat runoff in my private office this morning. So one of the issues with having a living, breathing organic office building is that from time to time it’ll shift, grow and just generally change without warning. We had it last month, for example, where the building decided to form a brand new luxury meat spa wing, which of course was corporate level admission only so you drones won’t be aware of its existence anyway, except of course for Larry the jacuzzi residue scraper. And then just last Wednesday the office must have decided we no longer needed the marketing unit of the company so it collapsed the entire 4th floor and absorbed the contents into itself. It was actually during work drone M-360’s retirement party, which was a bit of a shame as I really fancied a meat and mayonnaise sandwich and I didn’t manage to get there before the party was absorbed!
However, back to the reason for me mentioning all of this, as I entered my previously beautifully upholstered private office this morning I was greeted by a lake of knee deep meat discharge that I was not expecting! It would appear that over the weekend the building has decided that it needs a new sludge discharge sphincter located specifically behind my filing cabinet.
So the sludge clean up crew are in there at the moment, but I feel the room is a bit of a write off as it stands. Therefore I’ve had a chat with the office and it’s going to combine both the offices of Anderson and Partridge together on the 12th floor to create a new luxury corner office for me to inhabit. The building reached this conclusion as it decided Anderson and Partridge both looked delicious and it fancied a nice Monday morning absorption snack. So the first order of business is actually to say goodbye to both Anderson and Partridge and to thank them for their many years of service and then also to welcome me to my new 12th floor corner office. They will both be inside the walls of the building and partially digested by now, so there’s not really any point with leaving cards or gifts however mandatory ‘new corner office gift baskets’ should be left outside the door of my office on the 12th floor. Do not knock. I do not want to talk to you. And don’t bother with cards or writing your names on the gift baskets. I don’t really care who they’re from.
And also please forget that I mentioned the new corporate level admissions only meat spa wing.
The second order of business is to remind you not to buy anything from the wall cyst on the second floor. They are not an officially licensed vendor of Dubious Meat products in spite of whatever forged certification they might present you with. We can’t actually remove them as we tried that with the one in the garage and two more sprouted up in its place. The office building assures me that it’s just a result of them currently going through the puberty century of its lifecycle and the cyst should shrivel up and recede at some point. Unfortunately there’s no way of knowing if this puberty stage will last another 5 years or 50 years. So for the mean time just don’t engage with the cyst and especially don’t purchase anything from his meat cooler! It won’t have the Dubious Meat Company official seal of quality that we strive so hard to achieve here!
So now on to the weekly recommendations! This week I have more film recommendations from my refined and handsome corporate overlord tastes for all of you lowly meat drones. I trust you are grateful. It must be an immense honour for you. It’s okay, try not to be too emotional, that is a fireable offence after all.
So first on the list is a British horror film directed by Alex Garland.
Men (2022)
So I’m a big fan of Alex Garland’s work after thoroughly enjoying Ex-Machina and Annihilation and I’ll watch basically anything released by A24, so I went into this film with high hopes and damn did I enjoy this film.
The film follows Harper, who travels to a remote village in the english country side for a short break to escape traumatic events in her resent past. Soon after arriving to the village she starts being tormented by the strange men who reside there. All of whom are played by the same actor, Rory Kinnear, who does just such a fantastic job of bringing these toxic male archetypes to life with the help of some lovely face prosthetics and truly British fake teeth. I wasn’t expecting to be so affected by the horror in this film as I was, as I must admit that that particular anxiety of being alone and followed by a man was not really on my radar. But my word, it was eye opening and tense. There’s an underlying sense of unease and dread throughout and when the male characters show their true colours it never feels broad brush strokes or caricatured. Jessie Buckley is great as the lead who actually seems to respond to the insane situation she’s been thrust into how a normal human would, rather than conforming to normal levels of horror film daftness.
The horror drifts nicely into some interesting English folk horror themes and the film culminates in a third act with one particular sequence that is just well… fantastic! I can’t recommend this film enough. I just felt dirty after watching it, like I was encrusted with some kind of toxic grime and not the normal slimy meaty grime I’m used to being coated in!
This deserves 8 out 10 meaty lumps!
So next on the list is a little less serious offering…
Cocaine Bear (2023)
So I didn’t realise going into this film that it was directed by Elizabeth Banks and actually you can really hear her comedic voice coming out in the dialogue throughout. The film made me chuckle consistently and the characters were likeable and enjoyable enough to spend time around that I felt aggrieved when certain cast members were killed off. But I suppose that’s the point… Damn you! The punctuations of gore and bloody deaths were often funny and occasionally graphic. However my main criticism of the film is that the tension element felt particularly weak. It’s a bit of a weird animal as it’s a comedy/action/horror mash up but the action and horror portions felt a bit thin on the ground. Where it shines is in the funny dialogue and often hilarious dismemberings, but I never really bought into any supposed tension from the peril the characters are placed in.
But for a film called Cocaine Bear I guess I got everything I could have hoped for. That all being said I enjoyed it and I’d recommend it. It was certainly better than most of the large animal based genre mash ups, especially those that also happen to have Shark in the title.
I’ll give it a hearty 7 out 10 meaty lumps!
I haven’t had time with my hectic meat based schedule to actually read anything this week so no book recommendations for you!
So now the recommendations for the week are over I just wanted to remind you that you should please feel free to comment with your own suggestions below. I’m not saying I’ll read or even acknowledge them. But it gives my admin lump something to do and when they’re occupied that means they’re not rolling around on my stationary trying to cover it in their meat scent. So please send plenty of suggestions.
Whilst I have you here I also just want to remind you that when it’s your turn to bring in BBQ meats on your birthday, if you then forget to bring them in then please just take your punishment as intended. Everybody knows that if you forget your birthday meats then your punishment is to chose one of your own limbs to be BBQed instead. If I ever catch anyone peeling back the building’s wallpaper to shave off some of the delicious wall meat below to then cook on the BBQ instead of bringing their own meats in then you’ll be BBQed and fed to the building instead! Having said that, the building is probably starting to get too much of a taste for its inhabitants since the great reforming… Maybe I shouldn’t be encouraging it. Oh well, if it’s eating worker drones then that at least keeps its eyes away from the upper management staff.
Finally here is the moment you’ve all been waiting for, this week’s instalment of my latest novel
The Flappening
2.
He began to turn.
She held her breath. He was facing her. He was perfect.
She continued to hold her breath and didn’t realise that as a result, air had built up in within her back folds. They were beginning to jostle uncontrollably.
He had obviously noticed. He seemed a little concerned.
“Are you okay there?” He asked.
At this point it wasn’t clear if he was concerned for her or more for the fact that he’d been approached some strange girl that was now stood behind him motionless, holding her breath with her back folds now oscillating wildly.
She released her breath sharply. This caused the air to release violently from her back folds in a rushing motion. It made a sound similar to that of a jazz clarinet when blown by someone who has no idea what they’re dong. A kind of dissonant sharp toot.
She blushed, her bulbous protuberance becoming a shade of bright red.
One of the group of onlookers, stood behind him, scoffed and a few of the others chuckled scornfully. He didn’t. He didn’t even react. His lips then curled into a smile. But there was no malice behind it. It was warm and welcoming.
She tooted again uncontrollably.
His smile turned up further but remained full of kindness. His bulbous protuberance fluttered in the wind.
“I’m Schmark.” he said calmly, his eyes fixed on hers.
“I’m Schmelen.” She retorted so eagerly the words seemed to charge out of her mouth.
“Hi Schmelen, would you like to join us for some hair balling? Schtimothy brought his dad’s land razor and there’s a decent amount of sweat on the hills today.” He motioned to one of the others in the group, although she wasn’t sure which, as they all remained placid.
“The razor’s getting pretty blunt now” piped up one of the members of the small cluster. This must have been Schtimothy she figured. He was stocky and short and Schmelen noticed that his flaps were dull and lifeless when compared to Schmarks beautifully dappled skin folds. Schmark really was glorious. But she was starring again.
No one had noticed however. She darted her eyes away.
“Yeah we probably need to be heading off spoon” said the only girl of the group. Schmelen noticed her flaps were perfectly preened and vibrantly tinged with a natural hue of deep red.
“So soon?” Schmark looked surprised.
“Yes,” remarked the girl “the air has suddenly gotten a bit… crusty.”
And with that she turned and the small group left, leaving only Schmark stood opposite Schmelen.
They were alone now.
Again I would say I hope you enjoyed this short snippet of literary perfection, but we both know you did. I can feel your happy vibrations through the walls from here!
And so concludes another Monday Meating, I imagine you will be ready to shoot for the meaty stars now after all that fantastic inspirational writing. Remember that you can aspire as high as you like, just as long as it’s not for my position or I shall put your name at the top of the absorption list.
Go fourth and meat.
If you fancy taking a look at anything I mentioned in the recommends and want to help the Dubious Meat Company (Me) out in the process then I’ve provided my Amazon affiliate links:
US
Men- https://amzn.to/40j8ODz
UK
Men- https://amzn.to/402cQRh
Overlord Cutlets,
I'd purchased a lovely platter of brisket and bean boils as a new corner office gift and gave it to Worker Meat Drone B-409 to be delivered to your handsome, meaty new doorstep. Unfortunately, Worker Meat Drone B-409 was caught in the meat collapse of conference room 7 along with my platter of delectable boils.
Am I mandated to purchase another gift in celebration of the new corner office? Or is it the thought that counts, and this can be written off as a donation to the wondrous walls?
I hope he likes the carefully assorted meat flaps I have left him.